Pride.

"Well, it's like being on the high dive and not jumping...But knowing that you have to, or should, anyway... and you look like a fool standing up there, until you jump. Then you're soaked, but accomplished. Then you get out of the pool and wait to jump until the next time you have to..."
Thanks, ep

I have a lot of thinking to do. Thinking about yourself is something that you'd think would be super easy, but it turns out that most of the time we are thinking of topical unimportant things. When it comes to trying to figure yourself out on those deep deep levels, this proves to be more difficult.

I literally have been sitting around for 2 days trying to create cohesive thoughts and sentences describing certain aspects of myself and have been coming up with nothing. Finally talking with a friend has given me some help in putting thoughts into words that make sense.

Is it really ever possible to totally and fully figure out just exactly who you are? Or is it really just a series of "constant evolutions" that we merely need to keep up with and hope to god we can make some sort of sense of it.

Television

I have a problem. I watch TV shows, and become so immersed in the stories and the characters that I begin to think and act like them. It's not normal.

When I watched Weeds (The entire series back to back without stopping) I truly began to think about things and solve problems the way Nancy Botwin would. I just loved her. I think there was a part of this fictional character that I honestly admired and wanted to be like. I know she isnt real, but I can't help it!

Six feet under is what I'm watching now, and I am experiencing a noticeable level of pessimism creeping into my daily thoughts. It's really an amazing show. Changed my life in High School and i think really opened the door into these "alternatives" types of entertainment and music and movies and all that.

Is anyone else like this? Do I do this because I'm so unhappy with my current persona that I am so readily able to pick up one of another person? A FAKE person!?

Sometimes I feel like I need these shows, to help me sort out the feelings I have about whats going on in my own life. If its acted out perfectly in a TV show with the perfect soundtrack and lighting and dialogue, I'm able to say "YES! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!" I'm able to better figure these things out.

I guess thats kind of weird, and I should learn how to do this sort of thinking on my own... But i'm so obsessed with movie music and soundtracks and playlists that I think I'd prefer to have my life sorted out in 'movie moments' if you will...

i play songs back to back until i go to bed...

I've been slacking on the blogging.

It's been a rough few days, stuff at home has been trying, I was sick over the weekend, and generally just feeling blahh.

I just wanted to give a quick post about the 4th song on my summer mix CD; "Melody", by Kate Earl. It's a happy upbeat song that I chose mainly because it was fun, and made me feel good. Theres not a WHOLE lot of meaning behind it. I got it on the free iTunes download of the week. I downloaded it and ended up loving it! I dont know too much more of her music but I think i'd definitely check more of it out if i got a chance. If i had to choose who i think she sounds like, i want to say, with some hesitation, that its a little like Erica Badu meets Joni Mitchell...???? She has a really easy free sound, almost with a little jazz/soul

no matter what has ever come to me
i got my own brand of company
i got da da da inside my head
and i play songs back to back until i got to bed

wake up by myself inside an empty room
theres no body next to mine to oooh
but my skin is warm and my heart is full
its the do do do do do do


walking waking on a crowded street
with my headphones loud
so my hips can swing, so my head can nod
to the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

and i find that im never alone
and i find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
a world that i built on my own

and i know that im never alone
and i know that my heart is my home
every missing piece of me
i can find in a melody

no matter what has ever come to me
i got my own kind of company
i got ba ba ba inside my head
and i sing songs back to back until i go to bed

theres a river in my mind thats never still
swirling , soothing all the time gives me a thrill
swimming in the notes that go
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

wandering, waking in an empty wood
it is quiet here, i am powerful
i look down below serenade the world
from inside my soul

when the walls begin to creep in
and the sky is fallin down
when im swallowed up in feelings
i get lost inside the sound...




I definitely like this song and can relate to it because i can think of a number of times where my personal life was in the shitter and all i really had was my iPod to listen to to get me through the day, walking to class and hanging out in my room..

I think that Kate is singing about how no matter what happens, she just listens to her music and she gets lost in it, and it'll all be okay. She couldn't be more happy than to be listening to music no matter whats going on.

Music has definitely gotten me through some stuff. I remember one certain situation in 2008 during a semester when things were a little rocky, I was walking to Mason (the music building) listening to an Of Montreal song. All of a sudden, like magic, my entire mood changed. Something came over me and i thought "I am fine. Everything is going to be totally fine!" It was amazing!! I'm convinced that listening to that song on that specific day at that specific time is what made me come to that revelation. It was pretty sweet.

Melody- Kate Earl -also, she's gorgeous!! AND from alaska!

I'm going to try and blog more often, it's just been a little crazy around here.. i also just discovered i can put the youtube videos right in the blog! next time.

Jen

if i could i would shrink myself...remove what makes you hurt

I remember when i was 15 the biggest tragedy to happen in my life was when one of our best friends decided to start sitting at a different lunch table in the cafeteria in High School.

Ten years later i want to smack my juvenile self in the face.. who gives a shit where she wants to sit, if she wants to make new friends who the hell cares. We still probably could've all been friends, but we were stupid.


I'm not going to talk about Lisa, or my Uncle Rob, because that would mean i'd need to talk about things i normally dont. Not really my style, bringing up surpressed feelings/regrets/emotions.

So i'm not going to talk about how even though I know she's under the best of care, and everything is going to be fine, Lisa's second heart surgery shakes me to the core with fear. Nor will I discuss how much I regret letting family slip away, and now suffer from overwhelming feelings of "too little too late" or "you dont know what you have till its gone".

also, I have a sinus infection. the small physical pain I feel is stirring up unwanted thoughts/emotions.

I'm trying to be strong enough for everyone, but i dont think i'm doing it right.


enough self-wallowing and "wah wah wah" for now.

i try to imagine a careless life....

I went away but i'm back now. I spent the last week or so up in Marcellus (where josh lives) -->

That picture is really big.. I need to figure out how to fix that..

Anyway... So i've been up in Marcellus, in Syracuse for the last little while, and really it was very nice. I noticed when my plane was landing there that almost immediately i felt less stressed. I knew the airport was going to be small and friendly, and there werent going to be any annoyed travelers freaking out about stuff and shoving me around bc i'm a girl under 5'5". Even the line of cars waiting to pick people up was a less ridiculous process, no one was shouting at you to lightning speed yourself into a car and get the hell out of there... It was a nice start.

Also, he lives in sort of the middle of the woods in his neighborhood. Its very quiet; extremely beautiful and calm. As we drove further from Syracuse into his town of Marcellus i felt anxiety pretty much melt away, and that was nice, and also indicative that i need to not spend much more time on LI, bc its crazy, and people are crazy, and for the most part want other people dead.

We did a butt ton of stuff, which might surprise you. Whats there to do in Marcellus, its upstate so obviously that means its in the middle of nothing, right? No! We did lots of things, mini golf, went out to eat like 40 times, the zoo, a science and technology museum, went swimming, got icecream, went to the movies-- all really fun things. We hung out with his sister and bro-in-law a few times, who are both extremely nice, and watched their twin babies a few times (who are extremely adorable, can't get enough of them)

On sunday was Lea's wedding which was unbelievably beautiful. She is one of the most amazing people i've ever met, and Ari is so perfect for her, and they are going to have an incredible life. They are certainly a force to look up to, and it really made me re evaluate some things. I love them. haha

All in all, it was a great time, and coming back to LI made me realize that while its busier here, that doesnt necessarily mean its the superior place to live.

Anyway, the CD is now organized and i've even made a copy of it already for Josh, and will take more requests for them if anyone wants. Even though its totally finished i still want to talk about the tracks. Before i do though, i want to talk about a new dream job of mine.

Along with being in a movie score choir (like those that sing in movies such as Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter..epic crazy shit) and choosing the soundtracks for awesome TV shows (Like weeds, dexter, and six feet under) i've thought of something else that would be awesome.

So, what if i advertised myself as a professional personal mix CD maker? i know it sounds ridiculous but hear me out. So a client calls me up in need of a new mix CD for varying reasons. Perhaps a breakup, or a change of lifestyle, or location. They just need a CD to get them through it. BUT, they are no good at finding new music and bands and stuff. SO we get together, and they tell me everything thats going on in their life right now. Anything thats been affecting them, or motivating them-- everything. Then we speak about music likes and dislikes. Then, i go home and construct a personalized Mix CD for them. Wouldn't that be cool!? I'm thinking about trying to make it work, but idk how i would do that.

***Well anyway. The 3rd track on my CD is "Scenic World" by Beirut from the Lon Gisland EP. I've been listening to this band since the spring of 09 when a friend of mine put the video for "Postcards from Italy" on her facebook wall. It was a beautiful song, and i really fell in love with it. Since then i've been obsessed. There is an awesome accordian type instrument playing in the beginning, and it really sets the flow for the song. I found this song on Weeds.

Here are the lyrics

The lights go on
The lights go off
When things don't feel right
I lie down like a tired dog
Licking his wounds in the shade

When I feel alive
I try to imagine a careless life
A scenic world where the sunsets are all
Breathtaking


This song to me really just signifies my trying to make sense of things, and trying to let go. "The lights go on, the lights go off" makes me think of the things in life i irrationally obsess over. They are never really good things, always silly unnecessary things that i need to get out of my mind. I'm only hurting myself with my senseless "thought attacks" at night that only makes my fears more irrational. The next verse is something that i really long for, a life where i'm not worried whether or not people will die the next time they travel, or worried how my whole entire life is going to play out. I wish i could live day to day and appreciate each sunset for what it is without thinking about tomorrow, and whether there will be another one or not.

Please take a listen, and while you're at it, poke around YouTube at the other songs such as "Postcards from Italy" and "Sunday Smile." These songs are really refreshing in a great way, and changed a lot of things about how i think of music. <3

Beirut, "Scenic World"

i am a lady from mars, and i can unscrew the stars....

There are certain things around my house that remind me of when i was younger, before things became out of the ordinary. It's a really hard concept for me to explain, just little waves of nostalgia that come over me from time to time when certain things happen, or when i see something around the kitchen that feels like childhood.

For example, something ridiculous; whenever my dad would use the oven, the cabinet doors above it would get hot.. I usually would be cleaning up and putting things up there and i'd always notice the hot cabinet handles... I guess it's a little weird.

There are other things too, of course they are escaping my memory at this time.. Certain meals my mom still makes, like ones that used to be the staples of the week, the ones you could always expect for dinner one day during that week.. Ah this is ridiculous, moving on..

The second track of my CD!! is "Lady in Spain" by Ingrid Michaelson.

I just started really listening to her stuff, and i just LOVE IT. I'm so glad i jumped on the bandwagon with her, because while i normally get bored/irritated with all these chicks who think just because their voice is deep and husky and they can strum a ukelele they can be famous, i happen to really love her music.

Lady in Spain is from her album "Be OK" which, first of all, is just an amazing name for an album, but also had a lot of songs on it that got me through some trying times, and songs that i've sent to people who i know are going through trying times as well, (ie; "Be OK," and "Keep Breathing.")

Here are the lyrics

I am a lady in Spain
I'll sing a haunting refrain
I am a lady from Mars
And I can unscrew the stars
I can be, Anything I see
I can be, Anything that I, anything that I see

And I am in love with a boy
Manufactured to destroy
I shall unravel my love
Like an old red woolen glove

I can do anything I want to
I can do anything I want, anything my heart tells me to do
Tells me to do
Tells me to do


I chose this song really as a follow up for the first track (Stop Whispering). I interperet the song as a girl coming to terms with the fact that she can do anything she wants to do.. Maybe she's still a little unsure, and crazed at the fact of all these possibilities, but she's finally admitted to herself that she is whatever chooses to be.

My favorite part is the second verse "I am in love with a boy, manufactured to destroy..." It took me a while to figure out what i thought this meant, but at the end i came up with this girl being in love, and all loves are made with the potential to destroy us. Our hearts, our minds, senses of self... But she is choosing to take that chance and unravel for him, like an old woolen glove... (Something i need to work on...?)


Give this song a listen, it's very nice :)

Lady in Spain...


:) bye!

P.S.- The CD tracks are all in order and i'm currently in the process of making copies.. Let me know if you want one via facebook/aim/email <3

and a thin man said "i dont wanna hear your voice.."

Title Track for my CD is "Stop Whispering" by Radiohead.

Taken off the sometimes forgotten about (depending on what kind of Radiohead fan you are) Pablo Honey album, this song has been with me for a VERY long time. I'd say i started listening to Radiohead in the 9th or 10th grade, starting with this album. Creep was on the radio, and i loved it, so i went and got the whole album, and promptly started listening to it on repeat for a solid 6 months or something ridiculous..

So i think the way this is going to go, is that i'll post lyrics, relate the song to my life, explain stuff.. etc. i dont really know what i'm doing but here goes nothing.

OH-- before i do that, i just have to preface that lyrics are a HUGE part of my decision making, if not all. I analyze lyrics like they are great works of poetic genius (sometimes they are, sometimes they arent, but if i can connect then i'm in love with them..) So most of the time, a song is on a Mix CD bc i feel like the lyrics have an appropriate correlation to my life.

This is so weird finally talking about this process.

Anyway, here are the lyrics (as i said before, an extremely large reason why i love the song)

And the wise man say I don't want to hear your voice
And the thin man say I don't want to hear your voice
And they're cursing me, and they won't let me be
And there's nothing to say, and there's nothing to do

Stop whispering, start shouting
Stop whispering, start shouting

And the mother say we spit on your son some more
And the buildings say we spit on your face some more
And the feeling is that there's something wrong
Because I can't find the words and I can't find the songs

Stop whispering, start shouting
Stop whispering, start shouting

Dear Sir, I have a complaint
Can't remember what it is

It doesn't matter anyway
It doesn't matter anyway



Okay. So in my past, i've had a hard time sticking up for myself. In HS i was easily influenced, somewhat walked upon by friends and adults, teachers, everyone. I couldn't even get myself to call the take out delivery people. I couldn't handle people, i couldn't persue what i wanted, let alone be agressive about going out there and getting it.

It was stupid stuff, like saying to someone that i didnt WANT to hang out, or do the particular thing they were doing for fear of being totally rejected and never called to hang out again. Or if someone at my job was treating me like a fucking slave laborer, and not a person, i couldn't stand up and tell them to back off. Even something as dumb as never ever sending anything back at a restaurant bc i didnt want THEM to be mad at ME, the paying customer.

Sometimes it wasnt stupid stuff, like not knowing when to let go of someone who wasn't treating me or my friends right, and had been more or less controlling my thoughts and actions for years and years. Another not stupid thing i can think of is being in a dumb dumb dumb relationship for a really long time not knowing that relationships were supposed to be the opposite of what i was in.

Most recently, as i've made my way (slowly) through school, i spent a lot of time convincing myself that i "wasnt like these other vocalists." I wasnt into opera, i didnt know anything, i didn't sound like this that and the other... I just wasnt like them. I convinced myself that because i was "second rate" i had to immerse myself in other things, like getting REALLY into the brass program and choir and stuff like that..

But then, i had my recital and it was eye opening!! People loved my recital. My parents cried, i was amazed at what came out of my mouth, i was surrounded by friends who supported me and told me how great i was. From then on i started seeing things within myself that made me feel like i was just as good as anyone. Being in College Choir helped me a lot with this, when Dr Gray gave me my first real big responsibility in the school with the Bach alto solo cover for the Christmas Oratorio. That really made me feel great, thus further heightened my musical self esteem.

The final straw, for lack of a better term, for me was just this past semester when i auditioned for the opera. Never in my life could i see myself auditioning for a big role, letting alone getting it. However, CRAZY things happened, and all of a sudden i was in the running for the lead. The LEAD!? Me, the person who once knew nothing about opera, or even really cared to get to know it. People trust me with auditioning for the lead role?

Well thats pretty sweet. This has totally raised my confidence in myself, and i'm ready to get out there and compete with the best of them.

So i guess, in summation, the phrase "Stop Whispering, Start Shouting" Has the most direct effect on my life. It's something i've been needing to do, and now i'm finally ready to.

Stop whispering, start Shouting...


<3 phew! that was a long one. Probably will be the longest since this is the song currently changing my life.

bye!