Pride.

"Well, it's like being on the high dive and not jumping...But knowing that you have to, or should, anyway... and you look like a fool standing up there, until you jump. Then you're soaked, but accomplished. Then you get out of the pool and wait to jump until the next time you have to..."
Thanks, ep

I have a lot of thinking to do. Thinking about yourself is something that you'd think would be super easy, but it turns out that most of the time we are thinking of topical unimportant things. When it comes to trying to figure yourself out on those deep deep levels, this proves to be more difficult.

I literally have been sitting around for 2 days trying to create cohesive thoughts and sentences describing certain aspects of myself and have been coming up with nothing. Finally talking with a friend has given me some help in putting thoughts into words that make sense.

Is it really ever possible to totally and fully figure out just exactly who you are? Or is it really just a series of "constant evolutions" that we merely need to keep up with and hope to god we can make some sort of sense of it.

Television

I have a problem. I watch TV shows, and become so immersed in the stories and the characters that I begin to think and act like them. It's not normal.

When I watched Weeds (The entire series back to back without stopping) I truly began to think about things and solve problems the way Nancy Botwin would. I just loved her. I think there was a part of this fictional character that I honestly admired and wanted to be like. I know she isnt real, but I can't help it!

Six feet under is what I'm watching now, and I am experiencing a noticeable level of pessimism creeping into my daily thoughts. It's really an amazing show. Changed my life in High School and i think really opened the door into these "alternatives" types of entertainment and music and movies and all that.

Is anyone else like this? Do I do this because I'm so unhappy with my current persona that I am so readily able to pick up one of another person? A FAKE person!?

Sometimes I feel like I need these shows, to help me sort out the feelings I have about whats going on in my own life. If its acted out perfectly in a TV show with the perfect soundtrack and lighting and dialogue, I'm able to say "YES! I know EXACTLY what you mean!!!" I'm able to better figure these things out.

I guess thats kind of weird, and I should learn how to do this sort of thinking on my own... But i'm so obsessed with movie music and soundtracks and playlists that I think I'd prefer to have my life sorted out in 'movie moments' if you will...